It still makes me sad..

While changing my bed sheets tonight, I once again noticed the spot that will always remain on my mattress from my first miscarriage, which happened in the middle of the night. I don’t always see it because I don’t change out our pillow top but every so often, normally just changing our sheets.

Tonight it really made me sad. Perhaps it’s because it is 11:30 p.m. or because Brett is gone on a service call and I am home alone (with two sleeping kids). Perhaps it is because of the high level of stress that comes with redoing a structured learning room, and managing 5 adults, and preparing schedules for 5 young men. Perhaps it’s because a woman never really forgets how heartbreaking it is to loose a child that will never be held on this side of heaven.

I haven’t been "consumed with sadness" over my two miscarriages in quite some time. I am very thankful for our growing baby, next week I will be 20 weeks pregnant (that’s half way done). However, I did take a moment to just be sad this evening. When getting in bed and opening my devotional for today there read today’s verse:

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." - Matthew 10:14

God knows my day before I even start it. He knew that I was going to  need that encouragement tonight. He knew I was going to get a wild hair to "deep clean" my room! I rest assure that my two sweet little babies are in the kingdom of heaven. I pray this is an experience that I never walk again, but I know that if required to bare this cross, I can do it through His strength not my own.