Grace for Callie

The past two weeks at church Pastor Mike has been doing a series entitled 'New'. Last night the worship group sang Tenth Avenue North's song 'You Are More' - I have heard this song a million times and could sing every work by heart. However, last night I felt a huge amount of emotion overwhelm me while listening to this song.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

With these words and the words that followed by Pastor Mike I realized that I am not giving the grace that I so desperately seek from our Father to........ my daughter. I have keep out home struggles pretty much to our home. I have shared with a few people at church - because it is pretty obvious in our small group - and with a few close friends at work. 

Callie has a very very very strong will. Everyone tells me that this is a stage and she will out grow "colic". Yet, this is the longest "colic" I have ever heard of. Callie seems to rage and get angry and for the life of us we do not know what she is angry about. At first it was, "Oh she has her Mommy's temper.... It's a stage she will out grow" and while I pray that this is all true there is obviously part of her rages, meltdowns, and confusion that I feel she can not help. 

Callie is more than a child who screams (sometimes uncontrollably).

Callie is more than a child who goes into a meltdown almost every time we are in a public setting.

Callie is more than a child who will only go to familiar faces.

Callie is more than a child who will often hide her face in the couch and cry when out home is getting to loud (often when Brett and Curt are wrestling :)).

Callie is more than a child who rages (seemingly uncontrollably) when she can not communicate her wants and needs to me......

 

However, I have not treated her this way. With tear filled eyes, I just want her to be like Cadie and Curt. I do not show her grace, patience, and forgiveness. I get angry with her and beg her to act "right". I have said multiple times to Brett, " I just wish I knew what was wrong with her!!! She is so angry all the time!" - These words coming from a special education teacher. I would never label Callie, as I do now know for sure if she is just that different from the others OR if she has created her own kind of 'normal'. I just so desperately want her to be happy :( and I don't know how to do that. I only see Callie for about 4 1/2 hours a day, and can honestly say that for 4/5 days she is angry or crying nearly the entire time I am home. My mom and sister have asked me, "What is she wanting" I DON'T KNOW! I would seriously give her the world at this point.... if I just knew what she wanted. I have found ourselves (all four of us) walking on egg shells around her as no one really knows when Callie is going to get mad.

 

BUT I love her so much.... and will do my very best to show her more grace and forgiveness. Just as Jesus said, "Forgive them for they know now what they do." - Callie doesn't realize that she is making me crazy - and that I look forward to my evening class because for one night Brett gets to fight dinner, baths, and bed..... and it is a fight.

 

She has the most contagious laugh and smile. She LOVES Curtis and Lucas... and  Likes her big sister a lot. :) I love this child so very much!! I have printed these lyrics and posted them in my bathroom (a frequent crying place once the house is quiet), the kitchen (where Callie is normally sad at me), and in my car (which is always a grumpy place). For my other two children I have GOT to come to terms that Callie needs a different way of parenting then the first two required. I want peace in our home, and want to be the mom that Callie needs and deserves.



  .... because she is just to precious not to love with my entire heart!!