Postpartum depression...

... is a very dark, sad, and lonely place to find yourself.  I have wonderful sisters and a God-fearing mother who not only showed me I was going through this but flat out told me. I couldn't see it at the time, but I am forever grateful for their love and *necessary* bluntness.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand."

Psalm 40:2



 As I begin this post I am nervous and a little fearfull, but let's be honest... there are two types of pits that we can find ourselves in: one we are pushed into and the other we blindly fall into. I had allowed my very colicky baby to not only walk myself into a pit but to stay there. Satan knew exactly how to get me into a pit and how to keep  me there.

• Callie cried *constantly* -  if people really cared about me they would come and help - LIE
• If I could loose the baby weight Brett wouldn't work so long - LIE
• If I were prettier fitting in would come easier - LIE
• If I would home school my children then I would fit into the "clicks" I so desperately wanted to be part of - LIE
• If I were skinny everything would be fine - LIE LIE LIE

Through months of tears, anger, and self-pity I was slowly unraveling everything I have worked so hard for. I did the "teacher" thing at work, the "wife/mother/friend" thing in public - but inside I was hating everything around me... I can now admit this - I was angry at Callie - and questioned why ever had her. Then Satan would take those thoughts to lure back in my mind. Well if you think this then maybe I should take her away. I would then spend night after night holding her because while I didn't truly want her I certainly didn't want her to die.

How does one allow this to happen? This I still do not know, however I do know that God is sovereign and he has his own reasons for responding the way in which he does. But from what I can tell about Him, I think He usually waits for us to cry out so He can remove all doubt about who came to our rescue. What I finally realized is though I had put myself into my pit only God could get me out.

I am forever grateful that God was able to use the trails of *extreme colic* and a protein allergy to not only break me to my core, but consecrate a stronger more intimate relationship with me. When I think of the other things that could have happened to shake my out of my comfortable foundation... it is scary.

Once I was able to see my pit, and go to the doctor for a little medical help :) I was able to start to see past the fear, anger, and extreme sadness. Beth Moore says it best in her book "Get of out that Pit". How do you know if you are out of your pit? You go before the Father daily seeking renewed strength for the days challenges, and even if the mountains fall into the seas, you are planted firm on the rock.

I still cry... I still struggle with body image BUT when the baby screams begin and the poor self-images enter I plant myself at the feet of God. I can now handle these things. God delivers with "a mighty hand and an outstretched arm" (Deuteronomy 5:15). Thankfully I have a Godly husband who reminds me when needed that I am backsliding. However, I will take one day at a time. I am not longer angry at my sweet baby, and can't imagine life without her sweet face. She is a challenge, but I was chosen to be her mother for a reason.

*It is through confession and honesty that we are truly delivered from our pit*